Kobayashi/Script
Opening Sequence :Amir: Alright, mate, you said that− :Jake: You said you could do a British accent. :Amir: British, yeah. Episode (Amir walks in and sits on Jake's lap) :Jake: Oh my god, get up, get up right now. :Amir: What? I'm having a shit day, lemme just sit for half a second! :Jake: Sit at your own desk, dude! (Amir gets up, farting) :Jake: Ugh you farted! :Amir: Jesus, somebody forgot to take their douchebag pills today! :Jake: That would make me not a douchebag. :Amir: What? :Jake: If I forgot to take douchebag pills, then I wouldn't be a douchebag. :Amir: Exactly! :Jake: What? :Amir: What? :Jake: Dude, stop talking to me. For the rest of the day. :Amir: I'll tell you why I had a shit day, but you gotta promise not to tell anyone. :Jake: That makes me wanna know less. :Amir: So, here I am crashing a quinceañera like my name was Martín! All of a sudden, I lift up a cake and pop goes my weasel! :Jake: Hey, do me a favour man! :Amir: Back massage. No, foot massage. Head massage. What kind of massage do you want? Neck massage? Shin massage? Calf massage? I mean that's kind of a weird massage but I could probably do it. :Jake: They'd all be weird massages! :Amir: Yeah! :Jake: Yeah! What?! Just fast forward to the end of the story, okay! I don't have time to hear a three minute story that just ends in me feeling more sorry for you than I already do! :Amir: Fine! So Kobayashi follows me here and I owe him uh uh uh uh I owe him uh uh I owe him uh lunch. :Jake: Kobayashi? :Amir: Did I stutter? :Jake: Yes, a lot. :Amir: Yeah. :Jake: Kobayashi, like the hotdog eating guy? :Amir: He holds the world record for twinkies and wings too, but yeah he's in the kitchen and I have to force feed him 20 hotdogs for lunch. How do you think that makes me feel? So I go pick up the frozen dogs and uh! Pop goes my weasel again. :Jake: So he's in the kitchen. :Amir: Yeah. :Jake: I can just walk into the kitchen right now and see world record holder Kobayashi sitting there waiting for you to feed him hotdogs. :Amir: Yeah. (Jake starts to leave his chair) :Amir: Uh wait! If you trusted me you don't even have to verify it with your eyes, you would just believe in your heart that it's real and you don't have to go see it. (Jake goes) :Amir: Where are you going? ---- (Six Seconds Later) (Amir is feeding Kobayashi a hotdog, in front of Jake) :Amir: Ohhhh yeah! :Jake: This is really weird. I think even by your standards we can agree that this is really weird. Right? What do you want me to say? I'm sorry I doubted you. :Amir: (Wearing sunglasses) Yeah! :Jake: I thought all your stories were lies. :Amir: (Kobayashi is wearing sunglasses) Yeah. :Jake: Especially this one. :Amir and Kobayashi: (Both wearing sunglasses) Yeah. :Jake: Hey this is pretty sweet man, can I feed him? (Jake approaches Kobayashi, who grabs Jake's collar and violently shakes him. Everyone starts yelling at once.) :Jake: No, hey! Hey hey hey! Dude! What do I do?! :Amir: Make yourself big! :Jake: Big?! That's for bears! :Amir: Yeah, yeah, it's bears! :Jake: He's not a bear! :Amir: He is a bear! He is a bear! (Kobayashi tries to stuff a hotdog into Jake's mouth) Outro (Jake is sitting on Pat's lap) :Pat: Woah, woah! :Jake: Just let me sit here for one second, okay? I've had a shit day. (Jake farts) :Pat: Aghh!